Where I'm at. || 2008-02-10 at 11:02 p.m.
The people in the apartment above us are so fucking loud tonight. They're loud every night but tonight it's fucking rediculous. I don't even see a point in trying to go to sleep until 4am. That's when they usually shut up. Well, I guess that's the joy of living in the down stairs apartment.
Tonight at dinner I told Kris that when our lease is up I'm seriously thinking about going back to Seattle. I don't really want to leave unless he does but if I don't start breaking out of my shell that I've been in for the last four months I don't see any other choice. Well, I could stay here and be miserable. Fuck. I hate being shy. I'm so fucking desprate for a friend I almost feel that if I had to drink or get high to make a friend or two I would. Which I don't want to do. Like I said before I need to get my ass to one of the five NA meetings they have here.
I'm worried about Kris and I, too. Not that things are going bad between us, because they're not. It's just that I'm starting to notice that I'm doing and saying things to him that have ruined my relationships before. I'm not ready for engagement. We've only been together for three and a half months. What the fuck was I thinking? I have to tell him. I know I do. He's buying the ring tomorrow and I have to tell him before then. I just don't want to break his heart. He's such a sensitive person.
I'm fucking depressed. I have to get myself out of this funk or I'm going to end up where I was two years ago. In a fucking looney bin. I don't want that anymore than anyone else does.
I need my meetings, a fucking sponsor, my Higher Power, and to work the twelve steps. Until I do any of that I can't expect to get better.
I'm glad I started writing on this thing again. I really need it.
What I'm Hearing: The fuckers upstairs.
What I'm Thinking: I wish I was five again.
What I'm Watching: